half hearted acquiesce

There are all these words waiting to spill from my fingertips, rushing through my veins and trying so desperately to escape. It’s been so long since I could write like this, since I let myself feel like this, since I loved like this. 

You’re so far away, but even if you were right next to me.. I could never feel close enough to you. 

I’m waiting to be able to write. I’m waiting to be able to explain these feelings. And I’m waiting for you to understand.. I’m in love with you. I’m standing here with everything to lose. I’ve broken down every wall I spent so long building.

Dave text me this morning “I love seeing your name the first thing when I wake up :) morning” …

It made me want to cry. He’s an amazing guy. The kind of guy you do everything for. The kind of guy you picture spending the rest of your life with because your values and your outlooks match up so well. He always knows what to say at the right times and he truly cares about me. 

But I’m in love with Danielle. And… I think I’m a lesbian. 

I can emotionally connect with guys. I can enjoy the cute moments. I can get excited about dates and text messages and… those moments are great. That feeling, it’s awesome. 

But I’m realizing while I say I’m not really sexually attracted to guys… I’ve always said it’s not a big deal. I can have sex with a guy, I can enjoy it even.

I realized this past weekend that sex has never emotionally meant something to me, except with Danielle. And it was the most amazing feeling in the world (emotion wise… although physically it was awesome too. TMI?) I’ve been in love before… once.. with a guy. It still didn’t compare, didn’t come close, to what I share with Danielle. The only difference is she’s a girl. 

I truly could picture myself spending the rest of my life with her. I’d consider moving for her. I want to share exciting stories at the end of the day and wake up to her french toast and have her come home to dinner. I want to watch her kick a soccer ball around in our back yard with our daughter (but hopefully I’ll be bringing her to dance class afterwards (; ) 

I feel like I’m finally myself again, finally ready to be myself. And there are a lot of things I’m confused about still, a lot of things I’m sorting out, a lot I need to explore. But I know so much more now than I did a few weeks ago.

Or maybe I knew these things all along and I just needed this breakdown to accept them.

If she reads this… I’m okay with that. She’s my best friend, I can tell her anything. I’m kind of glad that I don’t (think) she does though. I needed to get all of this out. I needed to write again.

I moved into my moms last night… it’s sort of weird being here. I moved out when I was 17, a few weeks into my senior year, after a huge fight.

“You’re father is coming to get you, you can leave, I don’t want you back”

In all fairness, I said some pretty hurtful things too. We don’t really talk about that day. 

I’m laying in my bed here, thinking about everything.

There are so many things to question in my life. So many things I am questioning. I promised I’d never cut, I promised I’d never make my little sister feel the way I did when my cousin (who was like my little sister at one point) went through this. 

Then there’s this whole… sexuality thing. Maybe thats another post. 

Trying to organize my thoughts..

So much has happened in such a short period of time but… such is my life. 

I went to New York to visit Danielle, I self-harmed for the first time in my life, she called my mom. She drove me four and a half hours home and stayed with me the next day when we went to the hospital. We decided on a partial day program. After that, and the extremely emotional day that came before, her and I had a really good talk. I need to start writing again…

invisiblytarnished:

I’d marry you right now

I love you

I just thought you should know. 

I just thought the world should know.

Why does this hurt NOW. I’ve been fine. I’ve been happy. 

The things I thought I always wanted, the things I thought would make me happy, I really don’t want. She’s finally discussed being with me, having a chance to do things right, and I feel like too much has happened. Things aren’t the same. I’m not the same. 

And then one dream changes my entire outlook on another situation. I didn’t care. Not the way I should have. I wasn’t hurt, or didn’t let myself be. Now all of a sudden everything is upside down and all I want is to be next to her and hold her, tell her everything is going to be okay. Not in terms of me or us just in general. I wouldn’t let myself hurt her again. 

And then I sit here thinking about everything, being upset, playing her CD and fighting back tears, and I hate to admit it but I can’t even trust my own emotions. I don’t know where this came from. And I don’t know if its more of a relief or a burden.

I only know I don’t want to see her cry, thats the one thing I don’t miss. It hurts me just as much every time. 

So far, has been the best decision I’ve made. And with such good timing. We need each other right now<3

Time to get ready for the day and then watch them until my best friend and the boys are freeeeee. Maybe I’ll work on this paper, too. 

Maybe.